Wednesday, 2 February 2011
What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.~ Anon
When I was 11 yrs old, I was standing in the hallway of my grandmothers home and knew at that very moment my life would not be as it should until I was old and in my fifties...call it intuition, gut feeling, a vision or a sixth sense...all I know is, it was a strong sensation, I had a real sense of knowing and I have never forgotten it. I don't regret a thing throughout these past 52 years as I have learned from all the trials and joys. They have helped form this 'now' stage of my life, without those times this time could not be. I have four amazing children and soon my very first grandchild/grandson.
I am at this moment so incredibly happy I could burst, I feel so right in this place and I know that the intuitive sense I had at 11 was all about this 'here and now'. I don't know many people here, but that does not matter, I have always been a bit of a loner, I don't need a lot of people around me, I like my own space, I am sure I was probably a bit of a hermit in a previous life. It's not that I don't enjoy company, I do and I have already met some very lovely people but I just don't need it all the time.
This is the first time in my life that I have ever lived on my own and I am so relishing it. It is quite delectable. When finally my youngest son left home two and a half years ago the two older ones moved back the very next day, Dom just for a couple of months before he moved to Melbourne and Eva moved back for a couple of years when she was studying and was with me until I moved.
I am content, light hearted and untroubled. Not working 9-5 is certainly suiting my disposition...after I have finished painting the apartment, I have an intense yearning to sort my studio space out...the creative juices have started to flow and I am itching to unleash in the studio.
Music is very important to me and although I cannot hold a tune or play any instruments, now that I am on my own I have music playing pretty much all day. My taste is quite eclectic and I have my children to thank for pointing me in the direction of much new music. Over the last few days I have listened to Billy Bragg, Wilco, The Drones, Etta James, Gnarls Barkley, Nick Cave, The Pogues, Augie March, Buddy Holly, Bonnie Prince Billy, The Righteous Brothers, Johnny Cash, Mazzy Star and Tom Waites...to name just a few.
Dancing in public is not and has never been my scene, I just don't like it, but I dance at home...alone...music loud and I enter a space that is almost hypnotic...a bit like a whirling dervish, without so much of the the whirl...so have been revelling in a lot of this lately...extremely good for my soul.